i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
