Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
