i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
