The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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