The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
