So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
