The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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