This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
