I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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