also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
