whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Every concussion has its silver lining
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
