If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
