Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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