Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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