i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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