i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think people are normalizing furries
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
