My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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