i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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