New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
