you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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