I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
