i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
