spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
