Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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