Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
