i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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