i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
