The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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