I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
