Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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