He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have aggressive nipples.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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