She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?