if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.