I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done