please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
