New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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