I think I died a long time ago.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
