The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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