so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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