This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
