Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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