you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
