i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
