Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
