so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
