i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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