Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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