Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
