just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
