Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
