soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
