ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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