i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
