you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
