i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
